When the pandemic hit and I moved back into my childhood home, I didn’t feel that much different from when I had moved out barely two years earlier to attend UC Berkeley. I was really only sad to leave Berkeley because I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to my friends and I had lost the chance to cram in as many unforgettable memories into my final semester as possible.
For context, I’m a transfer and first-generation student. I had no idea what I was doing when I started down this path. I only knew I had a deep desire to study literature and wanted to have the college experience you often see in movies: forming lifelong friendships, making cherishable memories and the whole part where you become a more realized person by the end of it.
My first semester here was pretty good, but then I shifted all my focus to my studies and extracurriculars, putting the social aspect of college at the bottom of my priorities. At the start of my final semester, I realized I hadn’t accomplished everything I set out to, so I decided I would make the best out of the time I had left. I wanted to walk across that graduation stage not just with a degree but with a new sense of self.
Then the semester was cut short due to the coronavirus. I packed up my belongings into cardboard boxes, loaded them into my sister’s car and, with unfulfilled college ambitions, headed back home. I’m glad California implemented shelter-in-place orders to deal with this health crisis — I just wish I had another semester tucked away in my pocket because, even with graduation on the horizon, I don’t feel like a proper Golden Bear.
Imposter syndrome is a hot topic at UC Berkeley; I understand why. I couldn’t relate to other people’s stories of their time here: how they loved it, were learning so much about themselves, enjoying their newfound freedom — in other words, coming of age. As for me, I felt old (I’m only 22) and frankly stressed about money most of the time. The stories of other students would make me wax nostalgic for community college, where I had the experiences they were talking about and didn’t have to worry as much about finances.
Don’t get me wrong, UC Berkeley is a great university, and it’s a huge privilege to go here, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t go through most of my college-edition growing pains in community college. I was so young when I started, barely 17, and after simultaneously working and attending school, I was already on the cusp of 21 when I transferred here. It kind of makes sense that community college is where I had done a lot of my initial soul-searching and growing up. I was just the right age for it to be the setting of my typical, post-high school coming-of-age story.
And while UC Berkeley taught me so much academically, most of the life lessons I learned here stemmed from disillusionment. I learned that movies upsell everything; that I have a tendency to let myself get walked all over by roommates and co-workers, then how to assert myself when this happens; that I can be myself and not hide because the people who should be in your life will still love you and all your weird nuances; and that despite being an aspiring career woman, work should never be the only thing I have going for me.
In short, I have grown — just in ways that aren’t as earth-shattering as a student who came to this university fresh out of high school. If you’re in the same boat, there is nothing wrong with that. You still gave this whole college thing the old college try. Moreover, let’s not pretend that we all don’t have loads more growing to do after we graduate; we’re all still young and have only dipped our toes into the real world.
And in the end, you still earned your bachelor’s degree. Not everyone gets this opportunity, so don’t discount your time here. Instead, try to see the silver lining and be grateful for those who helped you get this far.
To my mom and dad, thank you for encouraging me to pursue my passions.
To Sabrina, Michael, Justin and Spencer, thank you for putting up with me and my angst.
To Josh, thank you for always rooting for me and helping me see the bright side of things; without you, this column would have been a lot more cynical.
To Cailin, thank you for being my first real friend in Berkeley and for pushing me to apply to the Daily Cal in the first place.
To Lilly, Hanna and Maia, thank you for being there with me through all those long production nights and trips to Menchie’s.
To everyone at the Daily Cal, thank you for teaching me so much and for being some of the kindest people I’ve met.
When the pandemic hit and I moved back into my childhood home, I asked my mom to measure how tall I was, hoping that if I hadn’t grown much on the inside, maybe I had on the outside. She told me I had — a mere half an inch. And perhaps that’s the real difference: When I’m asked for a fun fact about myself, instead of only being able to say I’m half an inch taller than the beloved AnnaSophia Robb, I can now say a little bit more.
Jasmin Staffer was the spring 2020 opinion department copy chief. She joined The Daily Californian in spring 2019 as a copy editor and was a night editor in fall 2019. She is graduating with a bachelor’s degree in English.