I hate you, I love you, UC Berkeley

I did not expect my last semester here to be this unpleasant. First I broke up with my girlfriend. Then coronavirus came. Despite the countless nights that I’ve cried, the pandemic did offer one silver lining — the opportunity to find out that I’ve never wanted to be around people this much. It also gave me the time to binge-watch “The Office,” and that’s pretty much the only thing that is keeping me from going crazy right now.

Before we take a trip down memory lane, I hope everyone is staying healthy and is hanging in there. Life will eventually get better.

Coming to UC Berkeley as a transfer student is challenging because you only get two years of the college experience. You are also more susceptible to the infamous imposter syndrome and depression because of the stressful environment. It wasn’t at all easy for me to make the transition to the competitive UC Berkeley since community college was like kindergarten in comparison — I graduated from community college with a 3.9 GPA, and now I have a 2.9. I felt like a genius in community college, and then I realized everyone at UC Berkeley is a genius.

I wasn’t prepared for the campus’s high academic standards. My first year here was disastrous — I couldn’t handle the bad grades on top of the difficulty maintaining a long-distance relationship. I was so depressed, and I questioned my self-worth because I felt like a failure. I just didn’t feel that I belonged here.

I considered transferring to Cal State Long Beach because of its production-based film program and also because my ex-girlfriend was in Los Angeles. At UC Berkeley, I hated the heavy readings and history lessons associated with the film major because I just wanted to make films instead of studying theory. Even now, I have yet to finish an entire reading because I only looked at one when I had a paper due or when I had a test to study for.

So the next time someone tells you that they are a film major, don’t call it interesting just because all we do is watch movies. If they are someone like me, they might be sick of all the silent, black-and-white films they had to watch. I am not saying those are bad — some of those films were the most interesting ones that I’ve screened in my life — but since I am more into modern and mainstream cinema, the school setting depreciated my interest in film.

After a year of discouragement and distress, junior year finally ended. I visited Hong Kong in the summer when there were massive protests. Coming back to Berkeley after witnessing those protests was a huge shock. Here, people my age were talking about school and parties, while on the other side of the planet, students as young as 14 years old were taking to the streets and facing tear gas and rubber bullets.

Those events took a heavy toll on me. At one point I couldn’t really focus on school because those experiences were so traumatic that I dreamt about them. I was dissociating from others because I felt they wouldn’t understand.

A part of me never came back to Berkeley.

Although it’s been many years since I moved to California, Hong Kong was where I was born. So, my detachment from Berkeley only worsened when I saw the place I consider my home so rattled. I realized that there’s so much more to life besides school because I was only here for two years, and academics don’t define me as a person.

In the meantime, the violence made me a bolder and more assertive person. After you’ve experienced something that horrifying, everything else in life just seems easier. After coming back from Hong Kong, I got the courage to apply to be a student lead at Crossroads dining hall even though I never expected myself to be a leader. I approached the role as a challenge, and I didn’t have to rely on my family as much because it paid better. It was one of the best decisions of my life because I really grew a lot as a person, and I also had the privilege of working closely with a lot of amazing individuals.

In addition to my job at Crossroads, I decided to work at The Daily Californian after realizing the importance of journalism in Hong Kong. I witnessed the braveness that journalists had when they stuck to their duties under dangerous circumstances.

During my short time as a video producer, I rediscovered my interest in film. Earlier this semester, I tried to enroll in two production classes but I didn’t get into either because there wasn’t enough space for everyone. When I felt nothing but disappointment, the Daily Cal gave me a chance to express my creativity as a film major. Simultaneously, I was able to help give voice to the voiceless through journalism. I found joy because I felt I was giving back, and it was a perfect alternative for me to express my passion for filmmaking.

Fast forward to now, I can’t believe I am graduating. I haven’t really been able to enjoy UC Berkeley until senior year, and now this bittersweet journey has been cut short. I deeply regret not being able to fully embrace the beauty of Berkeley, so here are my tips: Treasure your time here and academics aren’t everything.

I really don’t want to say goodbye to Berkeley, but all good things come to an end. So long, Berkeley. It has been an extraordinary experience.